I’m not really sure how to react. I was pretty freaked out at first, but now, I don’t know…

I’ve been a married woman for 13 days now. It’s pretty amazing. I love being married. It’s really difficult, though. Living with a boy is pretty different. It’s hard to adjust to the pee on the toilet seat and the farting all the time. But oh well. I love waking up next to my Timothy. 

It’s also hard to match up my high OCD standards of a clean house (which I could keep) with the presence of a boy. He’s clean, but not my clean. I think it will tarry out, soon enough, but BLAH. Oh well. It’ll get there.

I’m not used to cooking this much.

I’m excited. I really, really am. But I’m bone-tired and have only slept 7 hours in the past four nights. No sleep means worse hallucinations, and worse hallucinations means no sleep. It’s a nasty cycle. And then there’s all the people! The people never end! I hate this thing called attention.

I’m also really low in terms of self-esteem. I am a whale. If I weighed 30 pounds less, I’d be so happy. But I don’t; I’m a friggin’ whale. And then there’s the whole hair thing. You know, if I could have asked for one thing for my wedding (other than the whole fiance part..), it would have been to have longer hair. Right now, it’s looking pretty bad, and I am so sad about it. I actually could cry. Maybe it’s because I’ve been so stressed and freaked out between hospital, finishing uni, fucking hallucinations, getting my life together… Mainly, it’s the hallucinations. It’s kind of funny, people say that you can talk to them, but they don’t want to hear about all this crap; they’ll listen if you have a bad day, but if you have something seriously going wrong inside of you, they don’t want to hear it. It’s too uncomfortable for them. So I don’t have anyone to really talk to about this. The fiance has enough of his own issues, and my lovely uncle who is so patient with me has a broken foot, and I don’t want to make his life more annoying with my antics.

I’m really happy. It’s just hard to be excited when you have so much crap.

Got much closer this time. I was in the hospital for two weeks, at first for trying to keep me alive (which clearly worked), then for psychiatric treatment. The real world, I have decided, is far too overrated and a load of bullshit. I’d almost rather be an inpatient again than be out here. But life moves on and they let me go, after much deliberation.

Apparently, I managed to text one of my friends that I had OD’d. This baffles me because you don’t just wake up after taking that many Benzos. Oh well. I guess it happened. But I’m still baffled.

The bills have started. No insurance. Fuck.

of when he first started raping me.

I hate April.

Worse than before.

This sucks.

Stick Boy noticed that his Christmas tree looked healthier
than he did.

(Source: homepage.eircom.net)

to a site that my apartment hasn’t blocked. I’m thinking wordpress. More on this later.

I’m home for Christmas. *yay* *sigh* I’ve missed my siblings, that’s for sure. But it’s hard because my fiance couldn’t come with me, so I miss him heaps.

So it turns out I’m bipolar. Makes sense.

hmm.

Yeah. Sorry I haven’t been on much.

Love!